11:51 pm

Now, I love my “little creations” very much. For once, I feel this maternal sort of love (although, I confess, I wouldn’t know what the real maternal feeling is like) for my stories and the characters that fill my life. All through the day, Norelle, Nicole, Malcolm, Sunandita, KD etc stay put in my mind. There are times (especially, at night--or early morning--before dozing off) when I think of them with all my heart and concentration in their fates. Many at times, their presence is a continuity in my sub-conscious.

Then, why, this New Year (hail 2009) did I decide that there was no other way but to put Norelle through so much misery? Initially, I was amazed by the sadistic impulse, but now I realise, it was a more masochistic step on my part as to think of Norelle cry every night breaks my heart. It must be done.

I have done it. Or decided to, anyways. She just broke up with KD. I cannot give KD’s full name on this blog, for I wish it to remain a secret before the book is made available for the public gaze (my book will have a “coming out”!) because I simply love the name I’ve given to the hero. If you call him a “hero” at all. He’s not even the anti-hero, I think my book just has a heroine. So, to please myself, KD’s name shall be a suspense to those who care, for I can’t afford this name to be stolen, and I shall refer to him by his initials “KD”.

KD was always meant to be a character on the negative side. Ruthless. Heartless, even. He was, from the moment he entered my imagination, the handsome, arrogant guy with the “devil may care” attitude to all things. But first impressions aren’t always true. I have gradually grown fond of KD and hate to show this boy as a heartless beast.

Norelle and KD have called it splits. Norelle is devastated. KD is also extremely sad for he loves Noelle (as opposed to my earlier plans). But it is Norelle I’m really worried about because, my KD is very much internalized by the society into thinking “boys don’t cry” and would see it as a sign of weakness if he did. Norelle, also doesn’t cy---in public, that is. As I said, she’s devastated. She loved that guy, still does. And like Louisa May Alcott puts it “the first love is the best”. In her case, also the worst. Norelle thinks of him all the time now, crying, sobbing, torturing herself with every memory. But what else could she do? She had to let him go. He would not have been happy with her. Even if he loves her. He left her for her own good, her friends told her, because he didn’t want her to get “involved” with the negatives of his side. But did leaving make her happy? She’s submitting into depression, slowly. She dances and sings and jokes when in company. But every time she does it, wears that happy-faced mask on, she crumbles more so on the inside. The wound gets scratched even more with that mask of happiness on her. It costs her a dreadful effort, takes every inch of her to pretend to be happy. It drains her out.

Most of the time, she tries to understand what happened. Plays it over and over again in her head, wishing she could rewind it and do some parts over again, this time better. Or atleast, re-live the glorious parts with KD again.

She tries not to cry many times. She didn’t cry for two whole weeks, singing nice songs, pretending to be happy. She didn’t cry because she was scared what if she starts crying and doesn’t stop?

My poor Norelle. A “friend” of hers thought she’s being silly, losing it over a guy. But the girl’s human, for crying out loud! She cant help the way she feels. She prays every night now, praying he’d be good, remember her and come back.

I wish I come up with something nice for her.

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