9:39 pm

It's so depressing, and if you have enough presence of mind to notice it, astonishing to discover that there are times when even after being surrounded by people, you feel so damn alone. Loneliness obviously doesn't have much to do with the presence or absence of a crowd. It's, at the end of the day, to do with your state of mind.

I, for one, on my better days could talk to furniture & not get tired. Now, I almost wish I could pack my bags and run away to Auroville and live there for the rest of my life under an assumed identity and have no contacts what-so-ever with my past life.

But then again, I know, that even if I do get the chance, I would never ever do that. Everyone I love is right here and I would rather die than to cut off contacts with them.

Speaking of the ones I love... It's rather ironical. When you're lonely and really in a deep mess, you expect the persons you love the most to be supportive & understand what a nightmare you're going through. You expect them to be there. And they just somehow don't. They somehow don't understand what a big deal it is supposed to be for you...and if they do, they either say "I told you so" and that it's your fault OR.. That they just can't talk because they are inevitably busy.

Clarification: I don't blame them. I cannot change someone's thoughts to customize to my needs. And I understand that people have work, and they get busy, and that they have a life that goes beyond me. But it is very disappointing to be let down by them..even more than being let down by myself.

And here is where I remind myself of the discovery I made at the end of 2008. That we are alone, completely & scarily alone, in our sufferings. We have nobody but ourselves & God. That's the truth. Although, at this stage I'm beginning to have existentialist doubt over God's existence.

But still, after everything, I'm still convinced deep down that God does exists. I don't know how or in what form. And I swear that right now I'm having great difficulty in finding him. Maybe He has his own grand plans but I just can't understand them right now. I'd like to meet Him (or Her) and I demand explanations. But I believe in Him. And I want to believe that He will save me and take me out of all the mess of things. See, humans have flaws...no matter how much you love them, they still have flaws and that's what's so insanely beautiful about them. And that's why you love them. But God, He is there to help us. And I have faith that he will.

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